Forgiveness Medicine

To forgive has a simple enough definition, it means to let go of anger or resentment. For something that can be explained so simply with words, the reality is ever more complex and difficult. Throughout our lives we will all feel anger and resentment, it’s a part of the human experience. And undoubtedly, we will all experience forgiveness at one point or another. Whether it be that we are given the grace of forgiveness by another, or we are the ones doing the act of forgiving. So, what makes it so difficult? And if it is so complex and hard, why bother? How does forgiveness affect us? How does the lack of forgiveness affect us? This is a huge conversation that I’m certain would be better had by someone better than I, and yet I feel there is a need to discuss it so I will do my best.

To think about what makes forgiveness difficult we need to zoom out a bit. If there is anger or resentment, it is in reaction to something. Often this is an understandable reaction. Perhaps someone has hurt us, betrayed us, or lied to us. Perhaps they have something we feel entitled to. In these instances, we are angry at the person who has harmed us in some way or are envious of someone who has what we want. Most people will have a visceral reaction to this. The question is, what happens next? Ideally, we let go of our anger and resentment, we forgive. Realistically, this may not come so easily. It’s hard to stop being angry when we’re still dealing with the repercussions of someone’s actions. But once that has passed, anger tends to fade. It’s over, you likely forgive. When we’ve been hurt in more traumatic ways, there can be long standing repercussions. That makes it harder to forgive. The specifics of the grievance also make a difference. It is more difficult to forgive someone when we feel they had malicious intent or that they should have known better.

So, then why do we bother? Why is forgiveness such a heavy hitting subject? Here, I can only give my own opinion. I ask for your grace as you read my thoughts which I am doing my best to put together. We see forgiveness as pertaining to the other person. We forgive them. But really, forgiveness is an inner process that is as much for us as the other person. Not forgiving is holding on to anger and resentment. This takes energy, whether we realize it or not. And it affects us, whether we realize it or not. Holding on to anger and resentment is difficult. The adage that “anger is a doubled edged sword is true”. And arguably, the sharper edge is our own. Forgiveness can be painfully difficult. And yet, I believe it’s worth the work and the pain. It comes with a sense of freedom and a renewed feeling of energy. Many of us don’t realize that on a daily basis we are diverting energy towards feelings of anger or resentment or using energy to hold a trauma in its “place” where we hope it won’t bother us. Releasing that tension, that holding, is like turning on the faucet. You might be surprised at how light and full of life you feel. In addition, what we withhold from others we often withhold from ourselves. Forgiving someone else for the worst things they’ve done to you, gives you the freedom to forgive yourself. Or perhaps forgiving yourself first will give you the freedom to forgive others. I’d like to note that forgiveness does not mean we let someone abuse us or continue to harm us.

Several years ago I walked through a lush herb garden looking for the herb to sit with that would “kick my ass” and “make me get my life together.” I was in search of something spiky or perhaps red. Something with a tough love and moving energy. I traipsed past marshmallow once, twice, three times. Finally, I realized that none of these aggressive plants were calling to me. I gave in to the tug I’d been feeling each time I passed marshmallow. I’ll be honest, as I came to sit with her, I was . . . disappointed. This sweet soft plant was not what I thought I needed. But God always knows better and as I sat with marshmallow, I felt His wisdom. He has found many ways and moments to put this plant in my life and it is instrumental in my own forgiveness journey. Marshmallow is as energetically soft as it is physically soft. If you’ve ever touched it’s leaves then you understand. Anger and resentment harden our hearts. Marshmallow comes in and reminds us how to soften them. It shows us it’s okay to face difficult things, and to be flexible. Long term anger and resentment leaves us depleted. Marshmallow is gently nourishing and building. It reminds me of the Blessed Mother and pairs nicely with violet leaf and lady’s mantle – both herbs that also have connections to Mother Mary. Marshmallow root, leaves, and flowers are all used medicinally. I find the leaf and flower are specifically indicated for forgiveness. The leaves being heart shaped is a reminder that this is heart medicine.